Unwanted gifts: What to do with an expensive gift you don't want
So, you've been given a gift that you don't want.
Don't panic, you just need to make two decisions:
What to do with the unwanted gift
Whether to tell the gifter or not
It's okay to feel a little bit disappointed and grateful at the same time. The person who gave it to you may not have known what you wanted, but they likely spent time thinking about the perfect gift for you.
It would be a shame for the thoughtfulness of this gesture to be being overlooked because of one thing - the item itself.
There are many options available when receiving a gift that isn't right for you; however, there are certain things to consider in order to maintain a good relationship with the gifter.
Only you know the ins and outs of your situation so the decision should be yours, but that doesn't mean you're utterly alone in it.
In this article I will discuss various options and considerations so that you can confidently decide what to do with your expensive gift.
Obligatory minimalist plug: remember that just keeping the unwanted gift at the back of a cupboard is never the right option!
What is a gift?
A gift, when used as a verb, is something that you've been given freely without having to give anything in return.
Gifts should be given with the recipient in mind and shouldn't feel like an obligation.
What to do with an expensive gift you don’t want
Step 1 when you receive an unwanted gift is to be gracious
Thank the person who gave you the gift.
This doesn't need to be fake, insincere, or forced, because there should be something that you can be grateful for - be it the thought, time, money or effort that went into the gift.
No matter the monetary value, every gift is a lesson in humility. Someone took the time to think of us, and it's our job to prioritize and celebrate that in the moment.
Yes, the gift itself may be disappointing and not something that you like, but always aim to make gratitude your first reaction.
Step 2 when you receive an unwanted gift is to compliment the gifter (not the gift)
Try to forget about the item itself for now, and concentrate on the act of gift giving.
Delight in their thoughtfulness and be sure to compliment their taste, effort, generosity, and express how much their gesture means to you.
"Thanks so much for thinking of me!"
"I'm really touched that you went to all of this trouble"
"You know how to make a girl feel loved!"
Try to avoid, "oh you shouldn't have". Instead, replace it with a simple, "thank you".
Step 3 when you receive an unwanted gift is to give yourself some time
Maybe you struggle with clutter, maybe you aren't able to reciprocate this time, maybe you live in a really small space - there are many reasons why receiving gifts could be stressful, especially if it's expensive and not your taste.
You don't need to make any decisions straight away. Give yourself a few days to think about what you're going to do with the gift.
Buy yourself some time in the moment by asking questions, changing the subject and being non-committal.
If they ask you specific questions about the gift, my advice is to be as gracious, kind and genuine as possible.
"Do you like it" could be answered with, "I love the colours! I've never worn them before so I'll have to try it on with some of my other clothes to see", or "I can't wait to see it on!".
Taking a few days will also give you time to process your feelings. It's ok if you're a little hurt that they missed the mark so much, but I'm a strong believer that choosing good gifts is a skill, not a measure of how much someone cares.
Some people are just more naturally talented gifters than others. It doesn't mean that people that give good gifts care about you more, or that people who can never seem to get it right love you any less.
I'm the perfect example. I am ridiculously in love with my husband but I've never bought him a gift. He's a gadget geek, and is obsessed with keeping tropical fish. He loves researching purchases in the most finite detail and comparing specs. I could impulse buy something flashy, or I could use the entire year between each birthday trying to research gadgets and aquarium gear but I still wouldn't be able to pick out the right thing. So he just gets cash, those chocolate covered cherries he likes, and love.
If you do decide to talk to the gifter, it's usually better to do so at a later date anyway - then they will be a bit more emotionally removed from the gift too.
And who knows ...maybe the initial shock will wear off and it will grow on you!
What you don't want is for this to become an issue that's taking up more space in your mind than it should, or for this to be a major source of stress - so get stuck in to step 4 asap.
Step 4 when you receive an unwanted gift is to ask SAQs
Instead of frequently asked questions, SAQs are should ask questions. A list of questions to ask yourself, to help you consider every angle and decide on your best course of action.
What do you think the intention was? Some gifts can feel plain cruel - gym memberships, kitchen appliances, etc. Whereas some gifts obviously mean well, even if they miss the mark a little - clothes and jewelry that aren't your style, gadgets that you don't need, etc. We're not mind readers so we may never know the true intent, but it's worth thinking about as 99% of the time it's positive.
What are friends and family members suggesting that you do with the gift?
How much does the value of the expensive gift sway your decision? How would you be feeling if you'd received, say, a gift card to Starbucks and a mug you didn't need?
What would help you understand what this gift means and why it was given in the first place?
How much effort do you think went into the gift? If it's homemade, be extra cautious to not offend.
Did they include a gift receipt? If so, they're cool with you exchanging it if needed, no need to give this another thought :)
How close are you with the gifter? The closer you are, the more you should consider being open with them.
Can they afford this gift, or has it put them in financial hardship?
Think of past gifts, have they been more suitable, or is this becoming a pattern? If this is a one off blip, I'd be more inclined to leave things unsaid.
Have you had a difficult conversation with this person before? If so, how did it go? If they've shown signs of emotion intelligence previously, I'd feel much more comfortable talking to them about this.
How do you think the gifter would feel if they found out you told a white lie about liking the gift / weren't upfront with them about it not being a good fit for you?
How do you think the gifter would feel if they found out you would like to return / exchange / sell / donate / regift it?
What's the worst case scenario of being honest with them?
What's the best case scenario of being honest with them?
Do you need the money? Sometimes expensive gifts can particularly sting if you are in desperate need of basics.
Do you think accepting this gift opens you up to receiving similar gifts from them in the future?
If the roles were reversed, how would you like for this to be handled?
If you give it back to are you prepared to not receive an alternative gift or money?
Are you allowed to receive this gift? For example, many professional settings do not allow gifts over a certain dollar amount
Is it appropriate? Expensive gifts sometimes imply a level of intimacy, which may make you feel uncomfortable.
Would they notice if you don't wear / use the gift? If yes, honesty may be your best option. You probably don't want to get caught up in an ongoing lie.
Would you be happy with the gift if it was in a different size / colour? If so, a simple exchange for something similar may be easy for them to happily agree to.
Does the gift make you feel bad? If so, try to identify why. Do you feel indebted? Less than? Do you feel like you have to match the value of the gift next time? On a darker note, do you feel like the gift comes with strings attached, or may be held over your head in the future?
Step 5 when you receive an unwanted gift is to decide whether to talk to them or not
Pick your battles. Sometimes it's appropriate to give feedback, and sometimes it's not. Consider the SAQs.
At the end of the day, relationships are more important than things.
I personally try to be honest, except where that honesty will serve more harm than good.
If they're close friends or family members, then telling them may be best so they can avoid giving you something similar in the future.
You could make them feel involved by suggesting to pick out the replacement together.
You could ease the blow by telling some white lies:
"I loved it, but when I tried it on it didn't fit quite right. Would you mind if I exchange it for a different style?"
You could offer to return the gift to them, with no expectation of an alterative:
"I don't have my ears pierced so only wear clip-ons, would you like these earrings back?"
My favourite option is to suggest a joint experience instead:
"I've been thinking about the laptop that you gave me, but you know what I'd really love is some quality time with you. How would you feel about us returning it and going away for weekend instead?"
Step 6 Decide what to do with the gift
Ok. So by now they either know, or you've decided not to tell them. Now it's time to consider what to do with the item itself...
Another minimalism plug - don't hold on to things out of guilt! Receiving a gift does not mean you've entered into a life long contract.
We are the gate keepers of our homes. We don't honour ourselves, our loved ones or our stuff if we shove the unwanted gift to the back of a cupboard. It serves no purpose other than to clutter up your home and stress you out.
Give it back to the gifter
Return the gift for cash
Return the gift for store credit
If you don't have a receipt, contact the store if you don't have a receipt to see what their policy is
Re-gift the gift - I'd recommend that you do this honestly, "hey, I got this great gift but I don't use it. I thought you might like it?"
Exchange the gift for something similar
Exchange gift for something completely different
Sell the gift - There's lots of selling and donating tips here
Donate the gift - a great way to pay it forward!
Recycle / dispose of the gift - if it's damaged / not in good enough condition to donate, your best option is to dispose of it in the most eco-friendly way possible.
How to avoid receiving expensive gifts you don’t want
Whatever you decided to do this time, here are some suggestions to avoid this happening in the future:
Let's normalize responding when people ask what we want in the future. The more specific you are, the more likely the gift will be loved/used.
Suggest a cap on spending for future gifts
Write a wish list for each other
Give your loved ones some suggestions in case people ask them for ideas
Suggest that you skip gifts next year
Suggest a Secret Santa
Suggest second hand gifts next time
To ease the stress about your children receiving lots of gifts, set up a toy rotation for them
Suggest a "rule" of only giving consumables or experience gifts
Always be a good gift giver and mention that you're happy for them to pass it on once they're done with it. Even better, include a gift receipt wherever possible.
Agree to buy yourselves a gift next time
Start a birthday tradition of a spa weekend, dinner together, etc.
Conclusion
Deciding what to do with an expensive gift you don't want can be tough, but we've covered everything that you need to consider to make the best possible decision.
What's most important is your relationship with the person and your goals for next time.
Your Turn! What would you add to this list? What are some of the hardest or weirdest presents that you have received? What were your decisions about what to do with them? Let me know in the comments below!
