14 Tips to stop fighting over chores
Is mess and clutter really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things…?
I asked my email list if clutter & mess causes conflict in their home, and a whopping 86% said yes!
We all butt heads with our loved ones from time to time, but this Harvard working paper found that ongoing disagreements over mess can really escalate - a quarter of divorced couples listed “disagreements about housework” as the main reason for their split.
The good news is that there are lots of ways to cut down on your disagreements and avoid divorce over a messy house.
Read on for 13 tips on how to argue less about mess, tidying and chores.
These tips should work whether you’re arguing about mess with your partner, housemates, kids, parents, or siblings
These tips are designed to help you whether you’re the messier or tidier party
The main complaint I hear is, “I want to leave my husband because he is messy” - but I’m usually the messyier one in relationships so I can offer a unique perspective
These tips will help you ease tension, whether you’re working on this alone, or together as a team
1) Review expectations
First, let’s try and explore our expectations, by considering a question and three home truths:
Question
Is it possible for any home to be 100% tidy, 100% of the time?
Home Truth 1
We are constantly bombarded with Pinterest perfection and other people’s highlight reels on social media - but it’s all make believe.
Sometimes we are unknowingly measuring ourselves, our loved ones, and our homes, up against impossible standards.
There’s no such thing as a perfect home.
Home truth 2
Add to that, that housework is cyclical - the second you complete a task, the cycle immediately begins again and the activity of life will accumulate mess and/or grime until the chore needs to be done again.
For example: Dishes have to go into the dishwasher, and then the dishwasher needs to be run, and then the dishes need to be put away, and then food needs to be prepared to go on to the dishes, and then the dishes need to be put back into the dishwasher …and so on and so forth.
The “completed” stage of the cycle is so short, and unless you’re doing a deep clean, it’s almost impossible to have every chore in the “completed’ stage all at once.
Home truth 3
And even if everyone in the home is tidy as humanly possible 90% of the time, everyone goes through tough seasons when they physically, mentally and emotionally can’t keep up with things.
Our motivation and energy ebbs and flows depending on our mental, physical and emotional health, our schedule …and a gazillion other things.
The most we can expect from our loved ones - and ourselves - is to do the best we can with the energy and resources we currently have.
Sometimes, taking a step back to recognize that our loved ones, our homes, and ourselves are imperfect (and that’s ok), can help us shift our perspective.
2) Being tidy is neutral. Being messy is neutral.
No one is good or bad based on messiness levels.
Tidying comes naturally to some people, but for most people it’s a skill that needs to be learned and it doesn’t come naturally
Some people were lovingly encouraged and taught how to be tidy from a young age, and some people weren’t
Some people see clutter and can’t relax until everything is put away, and some people do not even consciously notice it (although it’s probably still stressing them out subconsciously - here are 23 surprising problems that a messy house could be causing you)
The less we see other people’s messy/tidiness levels as a flaw or an annoyance, and the more we see our collective habits/talents as something we need to tackle together as a team, the easier and friendlier our home life will be.
Resources:
The act of tidying is actually a lot less instinctive than a lot of us were led to believe - here are my best tidying tips for people that never learned how, including a list of 11 things NOT to do when tidying (that everyone does)
You can read more about messiness and laziness being neutral here.
I also recommend that you follow KC Davis who is a phenomenally validating therapist that focuses on care tasks being morally neutral (here is a collection of my favourite quotes of hers)
Personal update:
Since writing this, I was diagnosed with ADHD.
A lot of people with ADHD struggle to declutter, organize and tidy so find themselves living in messy homes.
It never occurred to me that there may be a medical reason for my messiness, but I wanted to mention it here in case that may be a factor in your home too.
My husband said that it helped him to understand my thought process and stuggles around housework, and my fluctuating levels of motivation.
Here’s more on my ADHD journey & the struggles it causes
Here are some hacks on how we organize our home with ADHD in mind
3) Try to understand everyone’s needs, triggers, strengths and weaknesses
We are all different so we need to understand each other’s motivations to help the unique dynamic of our home.
Here are some example questions to help define everyone’s needs, triggers, strengths and weaknesses:
What sends you into a tailspin / what are your pet peeves?
E.g. waking up to a sink full of dishes
Tripping over shoes as soon as you walk in the front door
Wet towels on the bathroom floor
What sort of things make you want to tidy? For example:
Everyone tidying at the same time
Fun music
Setting a timer for only a few minutes
Making a game of it
Doing certain things, e.g. matching socks is weirdly fun for some
What sort of things make you not want to tidy? For example:
Being told to
Having to tidy for a long period of time
Doing certain things, e.g. matching socks is mind-numbly boring for others
Are there any times of the day or days of the week that you notice you have more or less energy? For example:
You have a whole heap of energy on Saturday mornings - so a big weekly tidy would work well
You need to wrap yourself up like a burrito on weeknights and working regularly on the weekend makes you feel resentful - so building in a quick tidy to your weekday morning routine may work well
Pick three tidying related priorities each, that you would like other members of the household to focus on
Try and use this format: “I feel ____ when ____”.
For example:
I feel stressed when I trip over shoes the second I walk in the door, so please can everyone put their shoes in their cubby
I feel disrespected when dishes aren’t put back in the kitchen, so please can everyone put them in the dishwasher when dirty, or in the sink when the dishwasher is clean (this magnet is great for this)
I feel frustrated when you don’t do a thorough job of mopping the floor, so instead of taking turns, please could I own that job and you take ownership of something else instead
I feel frustrated when I can’t find things where they belong, so please can people not guess where things go (labels are the best way to keep everyone on the same page about where things belong)
4) Communication is key
Communicating your needs is healthy, but how you do it really matters.
The problem with criticism
One thing that really helped me was learning the difference between a complaint and a criticism from the Gottman Institute (their weekly email makes me a much nicer wife)
Complaint - voice a concern & focus on a specific issue (e.g. “The dirty dishes are still in the sink”)
Criticism - place blame & attack someone’s character (e.g. “You never wash the dishes, you’re so lazy!”)
The Gottman Institute recommend a gentle start up to avoid criticism:
Complain without blame + state your need
(aka This is what’s wrong, and this is how the other person can help)
For example - “I feel panicked because we’re running late. It’s important to me that we arrive on time”
Use numbers
Another trick when discussing mess and chores in the home is to apply a number to something to help explain the importance to someone else.
E.g. How tidy do you rate yourself out of ten?
How important is this to you out of ten?
Brene Brown once mentioned in her podcast that her family use a ‘gas tank’ empty-full metaphor, which I find really helpful.
E.g. I’m running at 10% today because I barely slept last night, please can you help me with dinner tonight?
Sure, I’m at 80% as today went well, you go sit down
or
That sounds tough, I’d love to help but I have a paper due so don’t have time tonight. Let’s order in.
What are you really upset about?
Even though I’m the messy one in our relationship, I still sometimes find myself filled with self-righteous anger about a random mess in our home.
Sometimes expressing my hurt and frustration about something as benign as housework can feel easier and safer than facing what’s really upsetting me.
Sometimes I don’t even know that’s what I’m doing.
So if I find myself enraged by my husband’s backpack being on the floor, I try to take a step back and to ask myself, “what are you really upset about?".
…Is now a good time?
Wait for a time to talk when you’re both in the right headspace, so you can hear each other and work as a team.
5) Agree on your “grade”
The sad truth is that even if everyone always did their chores, there would probably still be arguments because we all have different standards when it comes to cleaning, tidying and chores.
I love the saying done is better than perfect - it’s great for us recovering perfectionists.
I’m a strong believer that a solid C+ is good enough for most things in life, and that’s the grade that I would suggest people aim for in any household where there’s friction around mess.
Compromise is hard, especially for those of us that have used perfectionism as a coping mechanism for so long, but it’s a great way to get everyone on board with household chores.
If you personally require an A+ for some chores, you could assign them to yourself, or “finish” the job yourself - it’s much easier when someone has already done the groundwork for us.
For example, if your son has already wiped the splash marks and dust from the bathroom mirror, it only takes you a couple of seconds to buff out the slight streaks if they’re bothering you.
6) Be curious
My goal is to choose curiosity over blame wherever possible.
So instead of raging about how Sean didn’t clean the bathroom sink after trimming his beard, I’ll try to take it down a few notches and wonder why he didn’t (be curious, not judgemental is one of my favourite Ted Lasso quotes).
When I ask him about it from a place of neutral curiosity, it shows in the tone of my voice - so instead of getting defensive and things escalating, he slaps his forehead because he forgot, and then tells me about having to run out of the bathroom to stop the toddler riding the dog like a pony.
He got distracted, forgot about it, everyone is safe, and hubby went back to clean the sink.
…a much better outcome than if I’d made passive aggressive comments or shouted that he always does this”.
7) Make things as “fair” as possible
Sometimes it’s really hard to make things fair when it comes to splitting chores, the goal is to find the right balance for your home.
Some chores are harder
Some chores take longer
Some chores need to be done more often
Some chores are seasonal
Some chores are needed everyday
Some chores are emotionally draining (…have you ever tried to dress a stubbornly fashion-conscious 2 year old?!)
Some chores are our own personal nemesis (I’d scoop dog poop all day rather than pull hair out of the drain)
Some of us have less time in the home
Some of us work multiple jobs
Some of us have less energy
Some of us have different standards
8) Collect data
Sometimes everyone feels like they’re doing the heavy lifting.
Other times, we may feel that we need some data before we start a conversation about re-allocating jobs in the home.
…How can you estimate how fair the split of chores is in your home?
What it was like:
My husband and I called our daughter’s first year the pain olympics because we were both so exhausted
…and needed each other to know it 🤣
Sean worked outside of the home and had a three hour commute, so I felt overwhelmed with lots of solo parenting, and because that was my main focus, Sean was drowning in extra housework.
We attempted to talk about the division of labour in the home a few times but ended up bickering every time.
What happened:
We decided to write everything down in black and white to see what our approximate division of labour was.
We made a spreadsheet of everything we do around the house, estimated how long we spend on each task and added how often we have to do it - so we could come up with weekly averages.
What it’s like now:
What started as a bit of a petty, woe-is-me competition between us, turned into a really powerful tool to remind us that we were both working really hard.
Here’s a snapshot of a later iteration of our chore list - when Willow was in daycare and we were both working full time:
It made me grateful for all of the everyday chores that Sean was doing around the house - they really add up.
And it helped him see that him swinging by daycare on his drive home from work was not the same as my two hours of solo parenting, and wrangling a toddler on the bus every morning.
Things will never be 100% fair, and they regularly change, but a chore spreadsheet is a great way for us to touch base and it reminds us of how much we both do to care for our family.
You can easily create a similar chore list for your household, or if you’d like a done-for-you version, I offer a fillable Google Sheets version:
Like all of my digital products, it comes with the 100% Happy or your money back guarantee
Room to include up to eight family members
Suggested list of chores to make it easier
Space to add up to 20 more chores so you can personalise it to your home
Gives you the following insights:
Total minutes spent on household chores per week
How many minutes each person spends on household chores per week
How many minutes each person spends on household chores per month
Total hours spent on household chores per week
How many hours each person spends on household chores per week
How many hours each person spends on household chores per month
The percentage of time spent on household chores, broken down by person
9) What if things still don’t feel fair
Here are some extra things to explore if the split of household chores still doesn’t feel fair:
Consider childcare - Don’t forget to take in to account child related tasks and make allowances where relevant. For instance, I’m often the preferred parent so for us that means Sean can often get more done around the house than I can, so I don’t try to “compete” anymore (e.g. Willow will happily play with toys whilst Sean hoovers, whereas she wants me to pick her up whilst I do).
Learn more about the mental load - Even if everything is split 50/50, this eye-opening cartoon about the mental load gives great insight in to why things might still not feel fair.
Think about the division of labour - @thatdarnchat is a hilarious and empowering resource for learning more about the division of labour
Get on the same page about working at home vs. out of the home - Having our daughter really opened my eyes about societal and my personal expectations that are placed on parents - especially mothers. Without unpaid labour - which has traditionally been provided by women - society would crumble. Have a conversation about your beliefs as a family. I’ll share our beliefs as an example, but at the end of the day, it’s whatever works for you and your family:
Consideration - If someone works as a stay at home parent or homemaker, does that mean they’re responsible for 100% of the housework and childcare, 24/7?
Consideration - Does that mean that they’re responsible for 100% of overnight care of little ones?
This is what we landed on in our family:
The main focus of a stay at home parent is to parent. Housework is secondary and it’s a bonus if it gets done during the day - not an expectation.
No one should have to work a 24/7 job
When both parents are home, childcare & housework is be split 50/50 (trying to match our downtime was the easiest way for us to do this)
Even though we do believe that parents that work in and out of the home should be equally responsible for overnight childcare, my husband is a deep sleeper and I was usually able to soothe our daughter quicker overnight. So our compromise was for me to do 90% of the night wake ups - and then on busier weeks - Sean would get up with Willow at the weekends and let me sleep in. Luckily overnight wake ups were few and far between with Willow, otherwise we would have moved to more of a 50/50 overnight model, so that both of us could be as well rested as possible for our workday.
Do things balance out overall? - Just because things might not look that fair to other people on the outside, you’re the only person that can truly understand your relationships. If you’re happy and don’t want to change anything, you don’t have to change a thing.
Amplify gratitude - if you’re feeling stressed out at any point, it may help to make a list or focus on things that you’re grateful for in your relationships.
Encourage each other to ask for help - owning a job means that you’re in charge of speaking up if you need help.
Speak up - avoiding conflict often leads to resentment. Regular check ins make it easy to speak up about small things on your mind.
Try to own your jobs from start to finish wherever possible
E.g. if you’re in charge of cleaning the bathroom, make sure your keep an eye on cleaning supplies and update the family shopping list if you need to top anything up
If you’re making dinner, do the research, shopping and prep rather than stroll into the kitchen at 7:15pm & ask what you should make
Match downtime - we take turns sleeping in at the weekend and having approximately the same amount of downtime
If fair doesn’t feel obtainable, start off by aiming for fairer
10) Say thank you
Recognition and appreciation goes a long way when it comes to encouraging boring household chores, tidying and cleaning.
I’m not saying that we should roll out the red carpet and trumpets for someone doing their own laundry for the first time in 20 years, but some people respond really well to positive feedback
Apparently the magic ratio for longevity and healthy relationships is five compliments for every complaint.
I’m a big fan of showing off too - I’m not always the most observant so if I realize Sean’s had a tidy up whilst I was out, I ask him to show off everything he’s done so I can give him full credit.
11) Get extra help
If you can afford it, a cleaning service can be a great way to ease mess stress.
We built it into our budget during pregnancy and the newborn stage and it made life so much more easy, and sparkly.
12) Minimize mess
The best way to avoid arguments about mess is to eliminate as much of the clutter, chaos and impulse buys as possible.
The less you own, the less you have to tidy up!
On top of less arguements, we’ve had so many unexpected benefits to minimizing our belongings, here’s just two examples:
Minimizing our home allowed us to downsize and move closer to Sean’s work to cut down on his commute - giving us an extra 54 hours a month together as a family. That’s nearly an extra 4.5 months that he gets to spend with our daughter in the first five years of her life.
We got out of debt years before schedule because we weren’t spending anywhere near as much as we used to
Resources
I always recommend that people start minimizing by creating a capsule wardrobe
How to declutter problem areas: Paperwork, Sentimental items, Books
13) Organize
Once you have let go of all of the things you no longer use or love, it’s time to find a logical and labelled home for everything you do want to keep.
Everything having a place to be returned to makes life so much easier.
14) Try teeny-tiny-tidies
Now that you have less things, and all of those things have a home, you’ll be shocked at how quick it is to tidy.
The hardest part is getting into the habit of doing it, even on bad days.
The best thing that’s worked for us is doing a teeny-tiny-tidy every day. We set a timer for 1-5 minutes (depending on our energy levels), and then tidy our little hearts out.
Conclusion
I hope you’re feeling better equipped to argue less about mess stress after reading these 13 tips.
If you have any other suggestions to add to the list, let us know what works in your family in the comments below - thanks!
